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p Y R I g 




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o 



19 17 

** Vs UAL PUBLISH!^ G 


CO 


THE PINKLED 
FRINFT ^ 

(Don’t wrinkle your nose when you 
pronounce it.) 


A STRANGE STORY 


OF 

MYSTERY AND WRATH 


By X. Q. Zuss 




UNUSUAL PUBLISHING 
COMPANY 

CHICAGO 

1917 











B0W(STD1^ 



O. Sc© The Man. Can He Read? 
O \es, The Man Can Read. 

g® G*? Read The B «ok. 

Will The Man Buy The Book? 

pek-haps. 

Ill 


AUG 20 1917 v ' 


, A 4 7 0 8 7 1 



Author’s Autograph — 



Dear 


(*): 


Knowing how much you would appre- 
ciate an autographed copy of this work, 
we intended to have the Author sign this 
copy on the dotted line below; 


but, through unfortuitous circumstances 
mentioned on page VI, we find it im- 
possible to secure his (her?) signature. 

Your disappointment, however great, 
does not equal our regret. 


THE PUBLISHERS. 


(*) Insert your own Christian name. 


II 




DID THE GOOD MAN BUY THE BAD 


E-V-I-D^N-T-LrY ! 


IV 


BOOK? 


NOTICE TO PROSPECTIVE PURCHASER. 


(If you have plenty money there is no need for 
you to read this page — otherwise, you will find it 
profitable.) 

When the bookseller has reason to believe that 
purchaser is a person of discreet temperament, sound 
judgment and no bad habits (meaning morals — not 
riding clothes), the publishers hereby authorize the 
following special price on this book: viz.: namely: 
to-wit: 99c. 

As a pre-requisite to such favor being extended 
the buyer should be required to hold up both hands* 
and repeat the following slowly and impressively: 

“In appreciation of the foregoing favor, I now 
promise to read this book as soon as possible. I fur- 
ther promise to proclaim its virtues and suppress its 
faults to the best of my ability, and to save the 
coupons.” 

In case purchaser declines to assume above obliga- 
tion, let her have the book (at special price) any- 
way — you don’t want to miss any sales. 


♦(Holding up the hands is not intended to pro- 
mote solemnity of this promise; but to guard against 
fingers being crossed.) 


V 


EXPLANATORY: 


The author’s name was a mystery to uc, un- 
til The Association of American Near-Humor- 
ists convened in annual session at New Chi- 
cadelphia last month. Assuming the author 
must be among them, we sent to each member 
a copy of the manuscript, and asked pointedly 
if he was “it.” The reply came in form of 
a joint long-distance telephone message (col- 
lect) “Excuse us.” Our office-boy took down 
the message in abbreviated form, “X. Q. Zuss,” 
and we innocently used this expression as the 
author’s name until yesterday — too late to cor- 
rect the proof. 

Don’t allow our experience to deter you from 
plunging into the exciting contest outlined on 
page 49. 


(SAVE THE COUPONS!)' 


VI 


OUR TEXT. 

Writers. 

A writer is one who can use words to ex- 
press ideas. He is assumed to have an ade- 
quate working vocabulary and the requisite 
skill to construct his sentences with euphony, 
neatness and precision. But merely because a 
man knows how to write, it doesn’t follow at 
all that he knows anything else. 

This is a common error. It persists, no doubt, 
from the early days when there were so few 
writers that none of them would dare to waste 
his time unless he had some important idea to 
write about. But in these days, when every- 
body writes, the profession no longer carries 
distinction. The result is that those who write 
professionally are forced to write so much 
that they rarely have the time to get ac- 
quainted with what they are writing about. 

— (From LIFE, by permission.) 


VII 


BOUQUETS AND BRICKBATS. 


Publisher’s Note: 

In order to test public opinion before investing in 
an extensive edition of this little work, a limited num- 
ber of copies were run off and distributed with re- 
quests for candid opinions. Representative responses 
are given below: 

Hon. W. W.: “Tut! Tut!” 

Hon. C. E. H.: “Where’s my hammer?” 

Hon. T. R.: (Censored) ! ! ! (He was 

mad!) 

Hon. W. H. T.: “Next to returns from Utah and 
Vermont, best thing I’ve read in four years.” 

Dr. Hosier: “My chloroform theory could be prof- 
itably applied to some people under 60.” (Wonder how 
Doc. knew our age!) 

Battling Bruiser: “I hereby challenge the author 
to meet me one round in a 4-ft. ring — winner to take 
entire gate receipts. (There won’t be any moving- 
picture privilege — the fight will be over before a 
camera can catch it.)” 

Jess. J. W.: “If Bat can’t, I can. 

Dr. E. : “Sir! Since reading your so-called book, 
I see no reason for lengthening (even by a single 
inch) my five-fdot bookshelf.” 

Billy Monday: “Hit 'em again!” 

W. J. B.: “If I am correctly informed, that you 
once lived in Russia, my criticism of the Czar for 
Siberian outrages must undergo considerable modi- 
fication.” (This letter signed with initials only — 
hence, we are unable to determine whether from a 
great commoner or a great detective.) 

Harrison F.: “I flatly decline to lend my artistic 
genius to any such — scheme.” 

Bud F.: “Same here.” (The “stuck-up” things!) 

Jaane A.: “If we had votes for women, there would 
soon be in existence statutes to prevent such out- 
rages.” 

(Unsigned): The Major’s poem on page 26 is a 
gem; the rest of the book is a “jam.” 


VIII 


BOUQUETS AND BRICKBATS. 

Uncle Malt: (After reading specimen copy of book.) 

“I am a man of peaceful ways, 

For peace I’ve stood all of my days, 

I wear a peaceful brow; 

But peaceful as our lot is planned. 

There are some things a man can’t stand — 

One of them riles me now. 

I’ve been to neighbor, William Wax, 

Who loaned me his new battle-axe 
And furnished me a gun. 

My phonograph plays martial tunes. 

My grip is packed with peerless prunes 
Against tomorrow’s sun. 

I go away at break of day — 

None there’ll be to say me nay. 

For fear I’ll raise a fuss; 

I’ll start out, breathing threats like fire. 

My heart consumed with fierce desire 
To meet one X. Q. Zuss. 

(Uncle Malt may not be so “peaceful” after all!) 

And when I meet him — the slaughter 
Will make the row “across the water” 

Appear like pitching pence. 

So fiercely to the charge I’ll press, 

The Battle of the Wilderness 
Will look like thirty cents.” 

Captain Katzenjammer: “Ef dot aindt some of Hans 
und Fritz shenanigans, den I guess my miss.” 

Der Kaiser: “Just wait till ME and Hindenburg 
get through with the Allies.” 

Mr. Jiggs: “I got a copy by mail. I think Dinty 
Moore sint it. The foist toime Maggie lets me out 
I’ll break ivry bone in his cowardly body.” 

Luke O’Luke says: But just then a woman passed 
and Luke ran after her to see how much paint she 
had on her face; if her waist was cut low enough; 
her skirt cut short enough and if her stockings were 
real silk — so we missed what Luke said. 

Abe Martin: “Tee! hee!” 

“A Little Group of Willful Men” (Pessimistic Poli- 
ticians): “Everything that IS, is WRONG — including 
your book.” 


\ 


IX 


/ 




CONTENTS 


CHAPTER I. 

Smooth Water Flows Wet. 

CHAPTER II. 

The Lack of Money — The Root of All Evil. 

CHAPTER III. 

The Suffragette. 

CHAPTER IV. 

The Lady in Blonde. 

CHAPTER V. 

The Sinner's Birthday. 

CHAPTER VI. 

Qcumbers and Queens. 

CHAPTER VII. 

One Thousand Dollars Reward! 

CHAPTER VIII. 

The Acute Anti-Prohibitionist. 

LAST CHAPTER. 

The Worst Is Yet to Come. 

SUPPLEMENT No. 711, UCC-41144. 

XI 


THE UNUSUAL CALENDAR— 1 9 1 } 



JHNUKRY 


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JULY 

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4 

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OCTOBER 

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DECEMBER 

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1 

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(Doubtless, you wonder why this calendar is placed 
Here.) 


XII 



YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


The Pinkled Frinft 


CHAPTER I. 

Smooth Water Flows Wet. 

course you do not know what a 
Pinkled Frinft is ! It is extremely 
doubtful if you ever heard of one be- 
fore you saw this book, or heard some 
friend (?) mention reading it. We 
didn’t know what it was ourselves — 
once ; but, thanks to an inquisitive turn 
of mind, perseverance and a love of 
reading, we do now. 

Very probably you thought it a new 
brand of that beverage that made Mil- 
waukee famous (or infamous — accord- 
ing to your views on the prohibition 
question) when first you ran across it; 


19 


20 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


or, if you happened to be from Pitts- 
burg (pardon us — Pittsburgh) or have 
relatives living there (which is almost 
as bad), you, no doubt, pronounced it 
another one of the 57 varieties. 

One fairly intelligent man (a mem- 
ber of the present legislature), who 
hadn’t been to school in forty-five 
years, declared it to be an estuary in 
Scotland. You know what he was talk- 
ing about — the idea of anyone forget- 
ting the Froth of Firth! (Besides he 
meant “actuary” — the simple soul don’t 
know that an “Estuary” is a man who 
checks up insurance companies just be- 
fore they sell some more stock!) 

A typical “Noo Yawker” (half of 
whose vocabulary consisted of the word 
“sure”), who did not know there were 
any railroads west of the Alleghenies, 


SMOOTH WATER PLOWS WET 


21 


declared it to be a kind of wigwam or 
head-ornament used by the Indians on 
the plains out beyond Pittsburg. 

The foregoing only lends emphasis to 
the fact that, just as the occult, the 
inysterious, appeals to the oriental mind 
— the appeal strengthening with cul- 
ture and refinement — so do we of the 
western world delight to indulge our 
shallower (as regards subjects) intel- 
lects in idle whims and vagaries of the 
unusual. Those of us whose years are 
sufficiently numerous to afford a back- 
ground against which retrospection 
may hang, as it were, the events of 
years gone by — the occurrences of days 
that are past — find much food for re- 
flection on the turn affairs took and 
much room for speculation as to prob- 
able outcome, had some trivial incident 


22 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


been omitted, or its occurrence differ- 
ently timed or placed. 

Assuming your deep interest in such 
subjects, it would be positively cruel in 
us to withhold from you an account of 
the most remarkable series of world- 
stirring events that originated from 
the commonplace surroundings of Mrs. 
Bilbry’s boarding-house and the very 
ordinary people who boarded there. 

You don’t know Mrs. Bilbry, do you? 

Thought you did not, when you failed 
to kick (pardon us — we mean “remon- 
strate” — forgot you once visited Bos- 
ton) when the word “commonplace” 
was used in connection with her. 

To commence at the beginning (or 
begin at the commencement — fix it to 
suit yourself), Mrs. Bilbry was “fair, 


SMOOTH WATER FLOWS WET 


23 


fat and forty,” at least she was all of 
that before her uncle died in Australia 
and left her a billion dollars — no, we 
mean a million dollars (she first told us 
a “billion,” but later “revised her esti- 
mate” — as the financiers say; her edu- 
cation had been neglected), after which 
she was still fair; but, instead of “fat 
and forty,” “somewhat inclined to em- 
bonpoint” and only twenty-seven. She 
was the lady who created considerable 
merriment in the courtroom (during 
probation of her uncle’s will) by re- 
questing the judge’s permission to cor- 
rect her testimony — explaining that the 
unusual role of witness flustrated her 
to such extent that, in response to in- 
quiry as to her age, she had given her 
bust-measure. 

However, we anticipate. 


24 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


The mysterious incidents and inex- 
plainable results that come about from 
plain happenings in every day life of 
very ordinary people all happened be- 
fore Mrs. Bilbry became rich, and are 
best appreciated when one is ignorant 
of the fact that great wealth was in 
store for her; therefore, please forget 
'what you read about her rich uncle — 
treat it as you would a loan from a per- 
sonal friend. 


(SAVE THE COUPONS) 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


CHAPTER II. 


The Lack of Money — The Root of All 
Evil. 

D EVERTING to Mrs. Bilbry— rath- 
er to her boarders — you know, we 
had just begun to talk about them in the 
last chapter, when the hateful printer 
came in and said ’twas time to “put out 
the lights and go to bed” — meaning 
that the chapter closed there. (Don’t 
such interruptions annoy you? Now, 
here we will be half a page getting un- 
der way again!) 

The aforesaid boarders consisted of 
eight people — three gentlemen: a fellow 
who wore a wrist- watch: three ladies 


27 


28 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


and a suffragette. Of the gentlemen 
first, foremost and in the van (not a 
moving-van) stood Major Manners 
from “Old Virginia”. The Major had 
seen better days and worse nights (that 
was the trouble) ; was long on dignity 
and short on ready cash; supremely 
contemptuous of the nouveau riche, but 
not above stooping to their level when a 
poker-game promised to re-line his 
empty pocket — to buttress his tottering 
financial throne. The Major was not a 
type — rather, a result: hence you FFV’s 
need not bristle up — nobody’s going to 
slander your fair State, nor traduce her 
noble people. We have relatives in 
Maryland; friends in Tennessee; ac- 
quaintances in North Carolina and ene- 
mies in West Va. (*) all of whom speak 
in complimentary terms of “The Mother 


THE LACK OF MONEY 


29 


of Presidents” — what more can she 
want, or her children cry for? 

But, retournez a. (Oh! you don’t un- 
derstand French, do you? We are aw- 
ful sorry. This was such a splendid op- 
portunity to use some of that language. 
Never mind, dear, it’s just as well. We 
don’t understand French either, and 
might have made some awful “break”). 
You know, we never have attempted to 
display our knowledge of foreign lan- 
guages since the time we entertained 
some delightful people at a swell res- 
taurant and, very conspicuously point- 
ing out an item on the bill-of-fare, per- 
emptorily demanded that the waiter 
bring three portions at once — only to 
find that the orchestra was then playing 
it. There was no hole in the floor 
through which we could sink ; no friend- 


80 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


ly earthquake or sympathizing cyclone 
came along; so we had to take it out in 
perspiration, while our guests tried to 
choke themselves to keep from explod- 
ing. 

Wasn’t is awful, Maybelle! 

Speaking about foreign languages; 
the last time we were in Berlin (which 
was also the first time) we ran across a 
fellow-countryman (shouldn’t we have 
said “compatriot?”) who was standing 
in the crowd that cheered the royal fam- 
ily then passing in magnificent parade. 
Everybody was yelling “Hoch der 
Kaiser”, except the party mentioned — 
he made it “Hoke Smith”! The last I 
saw of him, he was trying to explain to 
the police that no lese majeste was in- 
tended — the crowd reminded him of At- 
lanta and he imagined for the moment 


THE LACK OF MONEY 


31 


that Joe Brown’s sympathizers were 
trying to pull off some spectacular polit- 
ical stunt. Aside from an odor of Coca- 
Cola on his breath, he appeared to be 
all right — though his difficulty in keep- 
ing his temper under control indicated 
that he came from some Southern State. 

You say you’ve never been to Berlin? 

Look anything like Oshkosh? 

Heavens! No! 

Please don’t make any more compari- 
sons like that — we’ve got our hands full, 
preserving neutrality now! Every time 
we mentioned Oshkosh while in Berlin, 
somebody gave us a cold-tablet. Now 
we will be afraid to mention Berlin next 
time we go to Oshkosh — some of the 
Oshkoshers are so hot-headed, and 
when they get mad will stop at nothing 
short of — Oshkosh ! 


32 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


We were talking about Major Man- 
ners when somebody interrupted, as 
they usually do, and you did not hear as 
much of the Major’s good side as needed 
to form a fair estimate of that fine old 
gentleman’s character. He had only 
two noticeable weaknesses — quoting 
poetry and failing to save coupons. 

Prior to his arrival in our town, no- 
body knew anything of his antecedents; 
though he was generally classed as a 
bachelor and treated accordingly. Ten 
years he came and went amongst us 
and, barring a tediousness of conversa- 
tion (common to old men) that beset 
him during latter years of his life, the 
time seemed short since first he came. 
When his grave had become green, we 
began to forget the Major’s little eccen- 
tricities and petty failures in our ad- 


THE LACK OF MONEY 


3} 


miration for his great-heartedness in 
substantial ways — his genuine love for 
his fellowmen. 

After he was laid to rest in an ob- 
scure corner of our modest cemetery, 
his effects were sold to partially remun- 
erate Mrs. Bilbry for his long-over-due 
board bill. Of papers, not a scrap was 
found, except a sealed envelope and a 
worn sheet he had evidently carried in 
his pocket a long time, and we could 
not tell whether the sweet sentiment 
its lines carried had a local application 
or referred to someone whom the Major 
had known elsewhere. 


34 


THE PINKLEiD FRINFT 


THE MAJOR’S POEM. 

(A scrap of paper found in his pocket.) 

A lovely school-girl passed my way; 

Her presence joy — her step was grace; 

It seemed as if the orb of day 
Had lent his splendor to her face. 

Her crowning glory, as of gold; 

With eyes like stars on winter night; 

Her form of fabled seraph mold — 

“She was a vision of delight”. 

Her dainty feet, so neatly shod. 

Seemed scarce to touch the cushioned 
ground; 

E’n daisies pressed upon the sod, 
Regained their place with quick rebound. 
With privilege accorded age — 

A freedom years-advancing claim; 

I stopped the maiden to engage. 

(Line illegible) 

A most-becoming graciousness 
Possessed her as she gave reply 
Unto the aged man’s address. 

With smiling but averted eye. 

“Teacher calls me dutiful,” 

“As Brother says, she should;” 

“Father thinks I’m beautiful” 

“And Mother knows I’m good.” 


\ 


y 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


THE LACK OP MONEY 


37 


The envelope was addressed: “TO 
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:” and con- 
tained a single sheet of paper on which 
he had written a few verses under that 
heading. 

The Major had never disclosed any 
poetic talent or inclination, even; but 
we felt intuitively that he referred to 
himself and left these lines as a fare- 
well message to his friends — enemies, 
he had none. 

The first stanza was used as his epi- 
taph. 


38 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN. 
When last I lay me down to sleep, 

And earthly cares their troublings cease 
Let those who at my bedside weep, 
Know that my soul hath rest and peace. 

Such rest as seems to tired hands 
sweet, 

When Duty’s task is past and done; 
Rest such as comes to weary feet, 

When Mercy’s errands have been run. 

Peace, as a balm to troubled hearts, 
When sin-sick souls repentance feel; 
Such as forgiving Grace imparts, 

And faint and wounded spirits heal. 

For in the days of early youth; 

Ere sin had laid the chastening rod; 

I found the way of Life and Truth, 
And made my covenant with God. 


CHAPTER III, 


The Suffragette. 

(Dedicated to Hon. Thomas J. Heflin, 
Senator from Alabama, with apolo- 
gies to “The Raggedy Man”.) 

O! the Suffer-er-jet, she works fer Maw; 

An’ She’s the suffrest-jet ’at you ever saw! 

She comes to our house eve’y day, 

An’ helps Maw work an’ helps me play. 

She gets some brekfus fer the mens; 

An’ waters the ducks an’ feeds the hens; 

W*en she don’t wake me, an’ I sleep late, 

She keeps my brekfus warm on a plate; 

Ain’t sh,e a awful good Suffer-er-jet? 

Suflfer-er; Suffer-er; Suffer-er-jet! 

W’y The Suffer-er-jet, she’s so kind; 

She’ll do anything ’at most folks mind; 

She sweeps the flo’ wiv Maw's new broom. 

An’ dusts an’ brushes all over the room; 

An’ w’en Ma.w goes to aft’noon tea, 

She stays at home an’ plays wiv me; 

An’ tells me stories an’ tries to teach 
Me to say a suffer-er-jet speech. 

Ain’t she a awful kind Suffer-er-jet? 

Suffer-er; Suffer-er; Suffer-er-jet! 

39 


i 


40 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


One day I peeped fru a kwack in her do’! 

An’ she stood for’ the mirwor, wite in the flo’; 
She had on Paw’s hat an’ milingtery coat. 

All buttoned up tight awound her froat; 

An’ her eyes ist flashed an’ her face wuz red. 
An’ she waved Paw’s sword way over her head! 
An’ er “votes fer wimmin” flag in ’er han’; 

An’ hollered “Down wiv the tirint MAN”! 

Ain’t she a awful brave SufEer-er-jet? 

Suffer-er; Suffer-er; Suffer-er jet! 

One day she says, she says ter me; 

“W’en you gits grown, is you go-ner-be 
A po’ married woman like yo’ Maw; 

"Wiv er big old husban, like yo’ Paw; 

Ter boss you aroun ist like he please. 

An, keep you down on umble knees?’’ 

An’ she hugged me tite, w’en I sez, 

“‘You bet I ain’t — I’m go-ner-be a Suffer-er-jet, 
’1st er brave ole Suffer-er-jet’ ”, 

Suffer-er; Suffer-er; Suffer-er-jet! 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


CHAPTER IV. 


The Lady in Blonde. 

V/'OU never met Miss Dusenberry, 
did you? 

Well, it’s your misfortune — perhaps 
hers too. 

Of all Mrs. Bilbry’s boarders she 
was that lady’s favorite — a favoritism 
that took the form of preference in lo- 
cation of room; best seat at table and 
breast of the chicken, until the other 
boarders felt like step-children, only in 
a comparative sense, however, for Mrs. 
Bilbry’s treatment of even step children 
would have been better by far than 
many an only child receives from its 


43 


44 


THE PINKLED FRINPT 


doting but deluded and daffy parents. 
“Snookums redivivus” (or its English 
equivalent) was her motto ! 

Well, as we were just about to re- 
mark, Mrs. Bilbry’s impressive person- 
ality took firm and lasting effect upon 
Miss Dusenberry, and the latter’s at- 
tempts to ape Mrs. Bilbry would have 
been laughable had not such a thread 
of seriousness run through it all. Al- 
most was Mrs. Bilbry’s heart broken 
when a messenger with halting steps 
brought the sad news that a joyous pic- 
nic party at Fisher’s Lake had been 
cast into gloom by a most untoward ac- 
cident. 

If you insist, we’ll tell you about it; 
but it’s so sad! 

“Ye who have tears, prepare to shed 
them now” (unless your complexion has 


THE LADY IN BLONDE 


45 


been newly put on) : We may not be ac- 
curate as to detail; but, as Mrs. Biibry 
related the sad story, it ran (or crawled 
rather) about as thus: “Boo! Hoo! 
Hoo ! Boo ! Hoo-oo-oo ! Oh, I can’t bear 
to talk about that poor dear cheeild. 
Boo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” 

We tried to soothe her. 

“Now, dear Mrs. Biibry, pray control 
yourself. Do not give way to your feel- 
ings. 

“Well, if I must I can! So — Boo! 
Hoo! Hoo-oo-oo!” 

That was the nearest we could ever 
get Mrs. Biibry to tell us about Miss 
Dusenberry’s sad fate; tears always 
intervened. Maybe you can have bet- 
ter luck. Try her next time you see 
her, and, if you get the full story, wire 
it to us — at press rates, prepaid. 


THE PINKLBD FRINFT 


46 


This good lady’s goodness of heart, 
extended not alone to humans. Pets 
she had without number — this is an ex- 
aggeration, of course; but how else are 
you going to express yourself without 
making a pleasant narrative like this 
resemble a bank statement! 

You’ve had dealings with a bank, 
haven’t you? 

Isn’t it embarrassing? 

We shall never forget the time we 
tried to use our Anna Conda Goose 
Farm stock as collateral for a loan at 
the Last National Bank. 0 ! such a fuss 
the president did raise! He was posi- 
tively insulting! Since this incident, we 
have had a very low opinion of banks 
(so far as returns have come in, this 
opinion is mutual) . 

Child, you worry us! 


THE LADY IN BLONDE 


47 


Here we are trying to tell you about 
Mrs. Bilbry’s pets, and you go off at a 
tango and get to talking about banks 
and things! Now, let us resume and 
proceed. 

Mrs. Bilbry’s “most favorite” pet 
(to use her own expression) was a ban- 
tam rooster named “Shay”. On pleas- 
ant afternoons Mrs. Bilbry would take 
her sewing or knitting and sit for hours 
on the back veranda, while Shay took 
his stand on the top step and ever-and 
anon (doesn’t that come in well?) gave 
vent to a lusty crow — at least, it would 
have been lusty had Shay been big 
enough. 

One afternoon she was working on 
some kind of wool or zephyr contrap- 
tion and, as she settled down in her 


48 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


easy chair, we heard her remark to the 
rooster: 

“Now, you stand there and crow, 
Shay, while I sit and crochet”. 


(SAVE THE COUPONS) 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


CHAPTER V. 


The Sinner’s Birthday. 

“Shatter the wheels with a sword 

“Smash the hood if you will; 

“But the idea of 

“Will cling to it still”. 

(With apologies to the well-known 
poet whose name for the mo- 

ment escapes us, if we ever did know 
it.) 

This atrocity was handed us by the 
maker of a high-price car who claims 
to have “found it on the street” — which 
we doubt. 

To the last person sending us the cor- 
rect name of an automobile omitted in 

51 


62 


THE' PINKLED FRINFT 


above alleged parody we will give one 
thousand — no, one hundred, coupons ! 

Wake up, now, and come on with 
your guess. 

Get your parents, brothers, sisters, 
friends, cousins and sweethearts to give 
you suggestions! If you have any old 
schoolmates or acquaintances living in 
distant states, write them (don’t tele- 
graph nor use long-distance telephone) 
for assistance in supplying the missing 
word. Sometimes total strangers pos- 
sess information you would never sus- 
pect. Try them and see. 

Don’t be so enthusiastic as to oifer 
cash rewards for suggestions. This plan 
is likely to be so generally followed, that 
much graft will slip into the contest, 
and, while some of this is unavoidable, 
we shall spare no pains to minimize it. 


THE SINNER’S BIRTHDAY 


53 


Do not let this warning deter you 
from all legitimate effort, however, for 
the opportunity seldom comes, and to 
miss it is something you cannot a-ford. 

In the meantime 


SAVE THE COUPONS. 


64 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


(PROSPECTUS) 

MRS. ANNA CONDA,^ 

President, Vice President, 

Secretary and Treasurer. 

THE ANNA CONDA GOOSE FARM. 
Shares of Stock, (3 at $200.00 

each) $600.00 

from sale of which it is proposed to in- 
vest as follows : 

300 Geese at $1.00 $300.00 

300 Ganders at $1.00 . . . 300.00 

$600.00 

Three eggs per week per Goose= 
900x52=46,800 per year; 

3 years 140,400 Eggs 

Allow for Bad Eggs 40,000 

100,400 

Allow for Goslings coming up 
missing from time to time . . . 400 

Net returns 100,000 Geese 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


PROSPECTUS 


57 


Scientific management should secure 
the following cash returns from mar- 
keting crop (including by-products) : 

Dressed Geese (100,000 @ $1.50) .$150/000.00 
Feathers (2 lbs.) each (200,000 

lbs. @ $1.50) 300,000.00 

Goose Livers (100,000 @ 60c)... 60,000.00 

Buttons from Gdose Bills (2 

each @ lc)..... 2,000.00 

Fly Swatters from Goose-feet 

(2 each @ 5c) 10,000.00 


Total Receipts $522,000.00 

Less operating expenses (estimated) 122,000.00 


Net Profits (also estimated) $400,000.00 

Dividends per share (3 years) 133,333.33 

Dividends per share (annual) 44,444.44 

Dividend rate — 22,222 per cent. 


NOTE: Dividends up to $133,333.00 may be drawn 
by stockholders in coupons instead of cash. (We 
recommend such arrangement.) 

(* * Mr. Conda’s real name is Na- 
poleon Hannibal Alexander Conda; 
but, as he is only 5 feet 6 and weighs 90 
pounds, while Mrs. Conda is 6 feet 5 and 
weighs 290 pounds, he is disposed to hu- 
mor her in such little eccentricities as 


58 


THE PINKLED PRINFT 


proclaiming herself the head of the 
family.) 

* * * * 

Publisher’s Note (Not Endorsed) : 

This prospectus, while interesting, is 
not properly a part of the book; but is 
incorporated through deference to the 
wishes of a critic who read the manu- 
script and declared that no addition 
could possibly make it any worse ! 

(We feel sure that the generality of 
our readers resent such brutally-frank 
criticism. This resentment can take no 
more appreciated form than an aroused 
interest in saving coupons. Are you 
with us?) 


CHAPTER VI. 


Qcumbers and Queens. 

WE were about to stray clear off 
from Mrs. Bilbry and her board- 
ers — weren’t we! 

Mrs. Bilbry was something of a prude 
upon the promiscuous mingling of the 
sexes, and lived up to her opinion by 
seating the ladies and gentlemen on op- 
posite sides of the table, placing the 
wrist- watch fellow at the foot — the suf- 
fragette at the head. The latter was a 
militant and would, no doubt, have 
seized the head of the table anyway ; so 
it’s just as well she got it at first. 

No; the wrist- watch fellow was not 


60 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


named “Algy” ; but was weighed down 
with the euphonious cognomen (what- 
ever that is) “Orpheus C. Kerr” and 
the girls declared it classical and fair- 
ly raved over it until the Major called 
him “Office Seeker”, which fit too well 
to rub off! Thereafter the ladies called 
him “Office Seeker” to his face — behind 
his back they called him “sissy”. 

(I dare not tell you what the men 
called him ! 

He was never known to save a cou- 
pon! 

To Mr. Kerr’s right — the Major’s vis- 
a-vis (You know what that is, don’t 
you?), sat Miss Migonette Virginia Du- 
senberry (according to the family bible ; 
but “Miss Dusey”, according to board- 
ing-house familiarity), who, despite her 
name, was a good looker from way- 


QCUMBERS AND QUEENS 


61 


back, this expression being used to em- 
phasize her pulchritude and NOT to in- 
dicate that she was in any sense rustic, 
either as regards polish or antecedents. 

Her first appearance at dinner had a 
very unsoothing effect on Orpheus. She 
was exactly correct height, appropriate 
size, and wore one of those kind of 
dresses that make a brunette look like 
a queen or a blonde look like an angel. 
(This description may seem rather 
vague to you, ladies; but the men know 
what we’re talking about). Introduc- 
tions had not been finished ere his rat- 
tled condition betrayed Orpheus into 
putting salt into his tea, upsetting a 
glass of water and dropping his knife 
— then reach after it frantically so as 
to slide out of his chair under the table 
and collide with the Major’s gouty toe. 


62 


THE PINKLED FEINFT 


“Promptly participating in the festivi- 
ties”, the Major kicked Orpheus vigor- 
ously in the face, after which that 
young gentleman came up very red, in- 
side and out. Casually speaking, we 
should say that Orphy was a trifle smit- 
ten. 

* * * * 

We know you don’t want to be wor- 
ried with the story of Orphy’s courtship 
so we skip all that and resume our nar- 
rative at the wedding-day. 

All excitement in Mrs. Bilbry’s house 
that day! 

The men busied themselves bringing 
in and placing smilax, ferns and flowers 
— the ladies promptly undoing the 
men’s work and arranging things to 
suit themselves. 

The bride-to-be (NO, it wasn’t Miss 


QCUMBERS AND QUEENS 


63 


Dusenberry, she threw Orphy over in 
less than a week — the suffragette catch- 
ing him on the rebound, so to speak. 
Pardon the near-poetry) promised us 
an unusual wedding and remained in 
seclusion until the last moment. 

Crowded the roomy parlor was, al- 
most to suffocation, as the Justice-of- 
the-Peace took his stand under a bower 
of roses and things, across the top of 
which tiny electric lights formed the 
words “VOTES FOR WOMEN”. The 
groom-prospective and the best man 
(Major Manners) walked out in front 
of him and all eyes were turned to the 
portieres from which the bride and Mrs. 
Bilbry (as Matron of Honor) emerged. 

Never shall we forget the scene! 

Both wore (in addition to the conven- 
tional costume) broad sashes emblaz- 


64 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


oned, “Votes for Women”; Mrs. Bilbry 
carried a yellow banner with the same 
inscription in green letters, while the 
bride-to-be, in place of a bouquet, held 
a large green parrot! Throughout the 
entire ^ceremony this bird interrupted 
iand punctuated the most beautiful pas- 
fsages with repetitions of “Votes for 
Women”! The groom’s face was a pa- 
triotic "study — first white with fear; 
then red with embarrassment, and, to- 
ward the last, blue with anger. 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


CHAPTER VII. 


One Thousand Dollars Reward! 

The identity of the author of this 
little volume is an aggravating mystery 
— even to the publishers — and we share 
the universal anxiety to find out who 
wrote the book; where she (or he) 
lives, and why it was done. To this end, 
we are prompted to promulgate the fol- 
lowing unusual offer: 

To the first person (man or woman ; 
boy or girl; dude or suffragette) who 
gives us the author’s name and address, 
we will pay 

ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS IN 
CASH 

(Or in coupons — at our option) pro- 


67 


68 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


vided the following conditions are liter- 
ally complied with by contestant: 

(1) Guess to be written on a sheet of 
white paper 7 5-8 x 10^4 inches (orgin- 
ally) with all corners carefully rounded. 

(2) Name of author to be written (by 
hand — not typed) in upper right-hand 
corner. 

(3) Address of author to be type- 
written in lower left-hand corner, on 
opposite side of sheet. 

(4) Contestant’s name to be signed 
(with blue peneil) in upper left-hand 
corner — on same side of sheet as 
author’s address. 

(5) Contestant’s address to be writ- 
ten (black ink) in lower right corner on 
same side of sheet that name of author 
and contestant appear. 


ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS REWARD! 69 


(6) Fold twice to fit a 10-inch envel- 
ope prepared as follows : Address, 

“Contest Editor of Pinkled Frinft 
% Unusual Pub. Co., 

Chicago, 111., U. S. A.” 

In upper left-hand corner (where the 
return card usually resides) paste a 
photographic likeness of yourself (with 
your hat off), under which must be writ- 
ten in red ink, “I hate to admit being a 
Pinkled Frinft; but I need the money” 
— signing your full name (also nick- 
name, if any) and address. 

(7) Just before sealing envelope, take 
out the letter and write “I hereby auth- 
orize the use of my name and likeness 
in connection with any testimonial you 
may care to prepare.” 

This last clause may sound a little 
strange; but arrangements have been 


70 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


made with one of the largest patent- 
medicine concerns in North America to 
supply names and photographs they 
propose publishing in almanac or simi- 
lar form. In fact, the testimonials of 
wonderful cures for almost every ail- 
ment known to mankind have been pre- 
pared and only await the addition of 
pictures and addresses to fit the pam- 
phlet for the printer. (It may not be 
out of place to suggest, right here, that 
front pages in the proposed almanac 
Will contain likenesses and testimonials 
from contestants whose responses reach 
us earliest. Indeed, it will be taken as 
an indication of a hustling spirit for 
your testimonial and photograph to ap- 
pear among the late winter or early 
spring months in the almanac!) 


ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS REWARD! 71 


If you are at all bashful about the 
publicity that will accrue to contestant, 
the publishers of this book will request 
the patent-medicine people to distribute 
no almanacs in your home town — above 
what the normal demand seems to 
crave. (Such consideration, we are con- 
fident, will be appreciated by many of 
you; particularly small-town contest- 
ants.} 

There’s no telling who may win the 
prize — you really stand a better chance 
than anyone else (for obvious reasons} 
and it is just as well to be prepared for 
contingencies. Therefore, we suggest 
’(but do not stipulate) that you enclose 
a separate sheet of paper, filled out ex- 
actly like the first, except that, in place 
of the testimonial obligation you write: 


72 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


“If prize awarded me is paid in cash, please send by 
Mail — open ] | f Currency 

Mail — registered } in form of j Bank Draft 
Express — collect J ! [ Money Order 

Erase or cancel surplus verbiage. 

Should we elect to pay prizes in cou- 
pons instead of cash, you needn’t worry 
— we’ll get ’em to you. 

We are entirely too busy to answer 
any questions regarding this contest 
and must respectfully refer to the fore- 
going those who feel dubious about how 
to proceed. It is clear as mud and a 
failure to comprehend terms and con- 
ditions must be taken to indicate that 
you are NOT a highbrow — to break it 
gently. 

Regardless of your success or failure 
in this contest, let us admonish you — 
Save the coupons! 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


CHAPTER VIII. 


The Acute Anti-Prohibitionist 
or 

The Liquor-Lover’s Lament. 
I 

De- 

Cry 

Tea. 


(Only one verse.) 


75 


LAST CHAPTER 


The Worst Is Yet to Come. 

ENTLE (?) reader, the hour has 
came! 

Through eight chapters we have 
strolled hand-in-hand (figuratively, of 
course — we don’t want to start any- 
thing this late in the day), culling the 
beautiful lessons that came to us as we, 
in our imagination, lived the lives of the 
interesting people of whom this little 
booklet (did you ever see a big book- 
let?) treats. 

Weren’t you charmed by the fine, 
manly character of Major Manners? 

Didn’t Mrs. Bilbry make a lasting im- 


76 


WORST YET TO COME 


77 


pression on you ? The good old soul ! 

Will you ever forget Miss Celie and 
Mr. Elbert? 

“Didn’t tell you anything about Mr. 
Elbert?” 

Well, we intended to. (How forget- 
ful we become, when age grips us.) 

Can’t you forgive the circus-lion for 
eating the wrist-watch-fellow, and 
wasn’t it too bad about the suffragette ! 

Don’t let us get started to talking 
about those dear people again, we might 
never stop, and the publishers insist 
that this must be the last chapter. 
(They’ve said the same thing about 
every chapter since number one.) 

You remember, away back where 
we tried to sell that Goose-Farm Stock, 
we promised to tell you what a Pinkled 
Frinft is! You stood by us manfully 


78 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


(or womanfully, as the case may be) 
and your patience won out. (Note to 
printer: Do not set this up "1 out” — we 
are not talking baseball.) 

Your perseverance has its reward. 

Lest others, not so deserving as your- 
self, attempt to eavesdrop, and gain by 
theft that which has cost you so many 
toilsome hours in wading through these 
pages, we shall not tell you “out loud.” 
Therefore, let us hold your little hand 
(or clasp your manly palm — as costume 
may indicate) and whisper into your 
ear that you, gentle reader, are the 
Pinkled Frinft; that being merely a de- 
scriptive term for a person who will 
read an alleged “book” like this! 

A “Pinkled Frinft” you must remain 
until from the spell you are freed by the 
performance of certain simple, but nec- 


WORST YET TO COME 


79 


essary rites. We know you are mad, so 
shall not whisper anything more to you ; 
but, listen, dear reader, you can rid 
yourself of the ridiculous appellation by 
inducing a friend (or enemy — it’s imma- 
terial to the publishers and the ultimate 
result being the same to you) to read 
the book. Having accomplished this, 
you are raised one step toward the exit, 
and become of that exalted degree 
“Finkled Prinft.” Entrance to this de- 
gree is, comparatively, easy; but the 
way out is beset with disappointments 
so trying that many remain. Pay close 
attention, and learn the way out — you 
can try the road or not. 

To rid yourself of the “Finkled 
Prinft” appellation, you must induce 
someone (preferably a stranger, you 
never expect to see again) to purchase 


80 , 


THE PINKLED PRINPT 


a copy of this book for cash — not cou- 
pons. After this is done, you are your 
own sweet self again! 

Not only do you free yourself from 
the snare into which curiosity led you; 
but you can aid in familiarizing the 
whole reading world with the beauties 
of this booklet and extending its circu- 
lation to the uttermost isles of the sea. 

NEAR THE END. 

(Ain’t you glad!) 


(SAVE THE COUPONS) 
(GARDEZ LEZ COUPONS) 
(GUARDENSE LOS CUPONES) 

(Setoafjren @te bte 2fi>fdjntii3fdE)eine) 

(CHANG CHE-PIAU SAU TSOON) 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


SUPPLEMENT NO. 711, UCC-41144 


83 



/ 



84 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


On preceding page you will find ten 
COUPONS in Series “PF”— that being 
your particular serial. You are perhaps 
amazed that no numbers are shown on 
these coupons; but the explanation is 
simple and to a reasonable person, 
should be perfectly satisfactory. It 
runs thusly : Some people like to delude 
themselves with big figures, (meaning 
arithmetical sums — there’s no delusion 
about the other kind — physical) ; there- 
fore, obeying that strong impulse to 
please which you notice runs all through 
this little work, we decided to permit 
purchasers of this book to supply their 
own numbers — it being impracticable 
to foresee varieties in taste or to recon- 
cile conflicting opinions in regard to ar- 
rangement of a subject so very suscep- 


SUPPLEMENT NO. 711, UCC-41144 


85 


tible of diversification as the Arabic 
Numerals. 

A suggestion to purchaser: 

The coupons should be carefully cut 
apart along the heavy lines, neatly piled 
in “BLOCKS of five” and securely tied 
with a red string (all strings are sup- 
posed to look RED to YOU by this 
time.) These BLOCKS may be tied in 
PACKAGES of twenty; in which form 
they may be kept until you accumulate 
ten PACKAGES— these ten PACK- 
AGES being consolidated to form a 
BUNDLE. A good-sized box will hold 
several BUNDLES ; therefore, you need 
not worry about storage-room — yet. (It 
is not generally known that the famous 
Rosetta Stone carried a fourth inscription, 
as yet undeciphered. Many believe it to 


86 


THE PINKLED FRINFT 


be the Egyptian version of “SAVE THE 
COUPONS.”) 

Foreseeing that many contestants 
would accumulate great quantities of 
coupons and realizing the difficulty of 
keeping count after a large number is 
reached, we felt it a duty to lighten the 
burden all possible ; therefore, solely for 
convenience to purchasers of this book, 
prepared the following: 

COUPON TABLE. 


5 Coupons make 1 BLOCK 

10 Blocks make 1 PACKAGE 

10 Packages make 1 BUNDLE 

10 Bundles make 1 BOX 

10 Boxes make 1 LOAD 

10 Loads make 1 CARLOAD 

10 Carloads 

or ■ make 1 TRAIN LOAD* 

100 Carloads 


A person of ordinary intelligence 
(none lower can appreciate the book) 
can commit this table to memory in a 


*( Depends upon whether you get the opinion of a 
locomotive engineer or a railway manager.) 


SUPPLEMENT NO. 711, UCC-41144 


87 


remarkably short time ; thereby saving 
much time and trouble (to say nothing 
of stationery) whenever it is desired to 
find what progress had been made in 
your efforts to 


SAVE THE COUPONS. 


A. FLAG OF TRUCE— LET’S MAKE UP!i 


If brevity be the Soul of Wit, 

And Wit be Humor’s lawful child; 
They almost missed the whole of it. 

Who read this book and never smiled. 


If you know what you read it for, 
And didn’t skip a line or verse, 
You’ll surely give us credit for 
Making it brief instead of worse. 


“A little nonsense now and then”, 

A little horse-play on the side, 
Was “relished by the wisest men,” 
Who really Jived before they died. 


Therefore, if you feel offended; 

If your “title” fits too tight; 

Smile a bit — the trouble’s ended, 
When you induce someone to “bite.” 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


YOUR OWN COMMENTS 


/ 


SUPPLEMENT NO. 711, VCC-41144 


93 


TO THE PURCHASER: 

One-half net proceeds from sale of 
this volume will be devoted to the fol- 
lowing worthy causes — please put cross- 
mark opposite the one you wish fa- 
vored : 

At close of each month, remittances 
will be tendered to these accounts — 
you may inquire of them whether your 
contribution came in. (None of above 
list, except the last, have been consulted 
about such contribution; hence, we an- 
ticipate much indignation and many 
violent protests when this booklet be- 
gins to circulate. However, we trust 
that such opposition will stop short of 
sending back the checks). 

THE PUBLISHERS. 



THE PINKLED FRINFT 


95 



RED CROSS 



BELGIAN RELIEF FUND 



A F B BLIND FUND 

Mail to 


SALVATION ARMY 

UNUSUAL 

PUBLISHING 


LIFE’S FRESH-AIR FUND 

COMPANY, 

CHICAGO, 

ILLINOIS, 


EQUAL SUFFRAGE LEAGUE 


DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL 
COMMITTEE 

U. S. A. 

(PLEASE 


REPUBLICAN NATIONAL 
COMMITTEE 

PREPAY 

PLENTY 


PROGRESSIVE NATIONAL 
COMMITTEE 

POSTAGE.) 


UNUSUAL PUBLISHING 
COMPANY 



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Address 
Remarks 



















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